


I'm Taking My Time

by Lesterlockian



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Bisexual!Dan, Can be seen as aromantic or asexual dan too, Dan - Freeform, Feelings, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love, diary entry, in love with Phil, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2016-01-09
Packaged: 2018-05-12 18:37:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5676409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lesterlockian/pseuds/Lesterlockian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan writes everything in this diary, todays entry; what he truly feels about Phil.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Taking My Time

I always over think things; the inevitability of death, my reason for existence, how everything is seemingly pointless, but more recently, how I feel about Phil.

So, where do I begin? I guess I've known for a while now, I mean I've always loved him but never like this. Somehow it feels stronger, I'd describe it as finally falling _in_ love I guess. He can see through my flaws and I can see through his, and that's what I love about him.

His heart is so open and even when he's in the darkest of places he'll still do anything and everything to help others get through theirs. I've never known anyone who listens to me so well, and understands. We're the same, but we're also opposites, we have different ideas for our future, some I'm not too happy about.

I change my mind, sometimes I'll go searching for love and others I feel like I just want to live alone. It's not that _I'm_ scared of love, I'm scared that _Phil_ will find love. Girls, boys, relationships never appealed to me, I find it fun to date but never to settle down. For a while I thought that's just how I am, contempt with living alone, in my own company. But then all these feelings for Phil happened and changed everything for me.

I look at him and see a future, I have to be careful not to slip this out in conversation. When we're talking about the ideal relationship and all I can think about is cuddling him on a cold afternoon, making dinner together and holding his hand without it being weird.

He never notices the way I look at him, I swear my mind plays tricks and I think that he looks at me like that too. I don't know how he feels though, I'm scared to say something in case it backfires and he doesn't want to be friends. What then!? It's best to just leave it, enjoy falling in love with him while I still can.

It's always on my mind though, when I'm sleeping, walking around, sitting in the house. It's like a whole world is in my head, what those lazy evenings could be like if he knew.

My heart tells me to chase my dreams, tell him while I can, what's there to lose? But my head tells me different, that he would never love me, not like that anyway. I'm too flawed for him and I'm scared I'd hold him back, he wants to take so much out of life and who am I to get in the way? He wants to meet new people and he tells me about his crushes, so clearly he doesn't like me.

But I just can't deny that on those nights, when it's quiet and all your deepest thoughts spill out between you. When you truly open up and say what you think. He makes it sound like he wants nothing more than me too, saying that he'd live like this forever and be completely happy. And I tell him that that's what I want too. He smiles and looks away, then we both fall asleep again. It's odd how some words are so easy to think but are too heavy to say. I thought the worst ones were out; "Phil, I'm bisexual." "Oh yeah, me too!". But saying "Phil, I'm in love with you" means so much more, for both us. It's either live happily ever after (or however long it lasts) or risk everything for a no.

Anyway I just needed to spill out my feelings in here, I'm still trying to find a way but perhaps fate will just make something happen, who knows?

One thing I have realised, that no matter what happens between us, I do have a reason for existing; to love and care for Phil.

Dan


End file.
